Out of Control

For more than half my life I fought my parents for control of my life; had they known what was to come they may have made my middle name Independent.  Hmm I like that; Sara Independent Polaski 😀  But I digress…

The original plan for my arrival in Florida was to first stop at Whole Foods.  Even still, I thought I’d send myself a care package of things that my parents most likely already have that would be silly to also buy an organic version (peanut butter, jelly, chix stock, bars, pancake mix, pasta, quinoa, etc.).  When I told my mother about this she stated she had or is planning on getting everything I packed so it was deemed unnecessary.   She then told me she was going to Whole Foods before I came so we should discuss my needs – great.  I’m not ready for this!!  We sorted through a list and I feel okay about it, but I keep second-guessing my mother’s devotion.  I’ll tell you why: she eats out.  She has no problem bellying up to a table at any restaurant to eat anything (within her allowed calories anyway).  Bringing me to the next area of concern; on this particular call she asked “Are we ever going to go out to eat while you are here?”  I didn’t answer, “Hello?” , “Yeah, I’m here, I just don’t have an answer…no?  I don’t know”.  Then yesterday I needed a reminder if I was allowed to bring food through airport security (I planned on it but am now thinking I can’t!).  During this conversation she said “You’re going to be really hungry when you land! Can we go out to lunch after the airport?”  Ugh.  “Sara, you can get a salad, comm’on!”

That comment sent my mind into the following thread of thought:

Salad?  Conventional vegetables? Uck!  Why would she say salad?  Why would that be what she picked, like a salad with conventional vegetables is “okay”.  I don’t understand the food rules people establish for me, they say they understand, but it doesn’t seem like they really comprehend the matter as a whole.  What could I eat?  Damn, I am going to be starved if I can’t bring my own food on the plane.  Oh WTF!?


I hung up the phone and went to check out the airport food choices, talk about frustrating!!  ARGH!!  I started with Starbucks; they have a section of the website where you can indicate allergies so I checked gluten, wheat, soy, milk and eggs (yeah, well you know…it’s hard to think about actually eating that shit!  There’s no ‘making the best decision’, you eat crap or you eat nothing when it comes to food outside of the house!).  The only food that was left after those restrictions was the oatmeal.  I checked the ingredient list (whole-grain rolled oats (with oat bran), oat flour, calcium carbonate, salt, guar gum, caramel color, reduced iron, vitamin a palmitate, niacinamide, pyridoxine hydrochloride, riboflavin, thiamine mononitrate, folic acid) then I pasted some into Google… X (that was a buzzer sound, “EEEEEEEEEEEEENT!”)  Not eating that!

I gave up.  I am going to attempt to bring some packaged food with me; I am not above batting my eyelashes and telling a little lie about a special diet to the TSA peeps!

So I just printed out everything in their area I could find on eatwellguide.org

Wish me luck!!

….. I am actually having a panic attack right now?  Before I could press ‘publish’ on this, my mom called from Whole Foods.  Mind you, I am at work and I have a hard enough time shopping for myself when I know where and how much everything is in my area.  “$5 mayonnaise, you’d better eat it!” She says in a threatening tone.  “Do you need cereal?”  I don’t know how to answer these questions!!  You know I am like friggen Rain Man when it comes to bargain shopping, cereal at WF is $4/box!  Can’t I get that at Publix cheaper?  I am paralyzed, I cannot answer, I don’t know what I want/need, I get told I have a phone call and I snap, “I CAN’T DO THIS!!! This is why I wanted to go together! I have to go!”  I told her I’d call her back but my body temp just rose, my heartbeat elevated, my head was light and I felt dizzy.  Really Sara?  Chill out, you f’n stress-case.

I can’t believe I am one of ‘those’ people.  I can’t see how flexibility can be had after learning all that I know.  How can I shut it off?  I’m so frustrated right now I could cry, this is ridiculous.

… Okay, I calmed down, got my thoughts together and called her back.  Mostly just to apologize and explain my frustrations.  It definitely stems back to childhood when I had ideas and passions that were either silly to her or impractical so they were dismissed.  When I decided to be a vegetarian for example, to say that idea was met with resistance would be an understatement.  That idea was flat-out refused to be acknowledged (other than to tell me all the reasons it wasn’t happening).  So this feeling of complete helplessness and that I am being duped doesn’t come out of nowhere.   It’s not that I don’t trust my mother and that I think she would do this on purpose but I know we do not have the same level of dedication to this.   Plus, above all else, I don’t want anyone doing this for me, I like to be responsible for myself and if I take care of everything for myself then my diet isn’t a pain in the ass for anyone but me.

Overall, after all of this, I feel good about my mother’s shopping trip and that she has never in my life tried so hard to help me do something I feel passionate about. Thanks Mom.

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